The job market is hard. No getting around that. And since most of us haven’t won the lottery or found buried treasure yet, it’s something we need in order to, you know, live and stuff. Here’s how the process normally goes down.
Stage 1: Determination.
You finally pull out your wrinkled dress shirt from your closet that you haven’t touched since senior year of high school homecoming, print copies of an embellished resume, and hit the city. You’re good. You’re talented. You’re a team player, but also self motivated. Your biggest weakness is caring too much and working too hard. You’ve seen “The Wolf of Wall Street” so you’re pretty much a business expert (that’s what the movie was about, right?). People would be stupid not to hire you because simply put, you’re the best.
Stage 2: Defeat
Okay, well the one job that was in the perfect location and played to your strengths and relevant to your future didn’t want you. That’s fine. Understandable. They’re wrong, but you get it. That’s not going to stop you though. Your experience as a froyo cashier through high school has to mean something. Maybe your mistake was the nervous moisturizing you did to your hand before the interview. It probably felt like they were shaking a piece of raw chicken. But you’re not giving up! It’s a big city, there’s plenty more places.
Stage 3: Denial
Alright this is starting to get ridiculous. It’s been one and a half months and you’ve had 2 interviews, 2 rejections, and 13 no responses. You’re starting to rethink everything. Did you misspell “detail oriented” on your resume? Was it inappropriate to say that you were the 2008 Hot Dog Eating Champion at the Spokane County Fair? Was it a mistake to put “Can drink 14 beers in a night” under special skills? Something’s up here, because it’s definitely not you. You’re a beautiful sunflower. They’re wrong.
Stage 4: Settling
So you’re a marketing student, but no marketing firms want you. You’ve gone through the first 3 stages, and now things are getting real. You’re running out of time before bankruptcy and you’ve been spending too much money on ramen and Subway. Which gets you thinking…there’s nothing wrong with being a Subway Sandwich Artist, right? It’s distinguished and unique. An artist sounds way fancier than a stupid PR Intern. Who would even want that anyway? Either way you’re gonna be bossed around by people, but this way you can conjure up a big ole spitball into their sandwich if the bullying gets to be too much.
Stage 5: The Offer
Congratulations! One morning you’re jolted awake at 11:30 to the sound of your phone ringing. You turn off your TV left on from the night before, the image of “Your Netflix playback has timed out” staring you in the face, roll over an old bag of Zips, and pick up your phone. At long last, those sweet words float into your ear hole: “We’ve reviewed your qualifications, and would like to offer you a position at our Subway location”. Victory at last. And who’s gonna argue free sandwiches?