Seeing as it’s fall and everyone’s immune systems seem to shut down by now, there are dozens of lists and posts out there about how not to get sick. So instead of beating that dead horse, we decided to take it in another direction. Here are some ways to make sure you absolutely, without a doubt, get sick.
Probably the fastest way to get yourself diseased, all you gotta do is put your tongue on everything you see. Handrails, benches, strangers, you name it, you should lick it. Is it dirty? Even better. Did you just see a kid sneeze on his pizza? Take that slice and lick it clean. Make sure you put your whole tongue on so the germs have a maximized landing pad for when they get into your body.
Never, ever, ever wash your hands
That’s right. Get your paws as gross and as sticky as possible. Touch things. Grab things. Stick your hands in puddles. Walk straight out of the bathroom without a second thought. Throw out the soap in your house and never look back. If you don’t wash your hands, they’ll quickly become colonies for germs to reside and spread. This is a surefire way to get sick. Fast.
Touch your face and mouth constantly
Remember those hands from the section before? Put them in your mouth. Eat everything with your hands: spaghetti, soup, pudding, whatever you happen to be eating. If you’re constantly touching your face and mouth, you’re essentially escorting bacteria and germs into your body where they’ll stay for a long time.
Don’t drink any fluids
If you’re trying to get sick, the last thing you want to do is flush it all out. Never drink water. Keep all the toxins and icky-ness inside your body, because that’s how you want to feel. Besides, it’ll save you annoying trips to the bathroom (where, if you’ve been taking notes, you shouldn’t be washing your hands). If you must drink something, make it alcohol or caffeine. Those are good for this sort of thing.
Be active, in the cold, all the time
Bed rest is only for those who want to get better. This isn’t you. As soon as your head begins to throb and your temperature goes up, step into the pouring rain and run a 5k. This way, your immune system is running thin and you’re exhausting your body. This is really the cherry on top for wanting to get sick.
So if getting and staying sick is your thing, follow these steps. If you want to get better (for some reason), just do the exact opposite. You’re welcome, Health Center.