If you live in a place for a long time, you think about a lot of things. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes weird. The longer you’re there, the weirder and more obscure your thoughts get. By the time senior year rolls around, you’ve thought up every possible hypothetical about all people, places and things on campus. For example:
I wonder how hard it would be to kick a field goal through St. Al’s
This bothers me every day. It’s literally shaped like goal posts. The width definitely wouldn’t be a problem, the towers are way wider than goal posts in the NFL. It’s the height. But what if we got someone the height? Like we bring in Tom Dempsey, the first person in the NFL to kick a 63-yard field goal, place him on the roof of Cataldo and put a fan behind him to give him extra distance? I think we can do it.
How hard would it be to do a skateboard grind on “The Wall?”
It’s the perfect height. It’s right in the middle of campus. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard, and it would for sure look really cool. Without the proper momentum, there’s no way you can shred the whole thing. Unless there were rockets or some sort of firework on the back of the skateboard…but I digress.
Where’d the gnats go?
These little jerkfaces disappeared a little too quickly. Enough to raise suspicion for sure. Do they migrate south for the winter? Are they dead? Do we need to worry about a gnat uprising in the future? I don’t know. I don’t trust them.
Why are there so many Colorado kids?
After Washingtonians, the next highest state represented in this school is probably Colorado. And nobody knows why. It’s not close. There are other Jesuit schools closer to Colorado. But for whatever reason, the Colorado pride is strong here. I’m not complaining; frankly, every Coloradian (Coloradoer? Coloradite?) I’ve met has been nothing but lovely. It’s just odd.
Would the school be as proud of someone like Iggy Azelea or Kanye West went here?
If you’re here for ten seconds, you’ll know our most famous alumnus is Bing Crosby. But what if it was someone less distinguished, but equally famous? Imagine people doing homework in the Iggy Student Center or going to the Kanye Cafe. Although, let’s be real, if Kanye did go here, every building would be either Kanye Hall or the West Wing.
Shoot, where do I know that kid from?
There’s always one kid that you know. You know you know them. They know you know that you know them and you know they know that they know you. Try to decipher that one. But you can’t put your finger on exactly how you know them. Were they at Resumania? Did you talk to them in the BARC line? It’ll drive you crazy, but you’ll never know. The smile and nod comes in handy here.
How do I get an invite to a Jesuit dinner?
Most everyone’s heard the rumor that the food in the Jesuit house is incredible. I can only imagine it rivals the Great Hall feasts of the Harry Potter universe. And a handful of lucky students have gotten to experience it. But for those of us who haven’t, the question remains: How?
Is the Music Mansion actually haunted?
Another persistent campus rumor, there have been talks of an exorcism taking place in the Music Mansion and a lot of other scary stuff happening there. But should we buy it? And how much of the paranormal activity is true and how much is legend? Should we be scared of possessed oboes and stuff?
What’s Thayne’s last name again?
Known by the majority of the student population simply as “Thayne,” sometimes it takes a second or two to remember that officially our President is Dr. McCulloh. I don’t know why he became Thayne, or “Thanye West,” or “InThayne in the membrane,” but it’s Dr. McCulloh. Come back here if you forget again.