Yak Attack: 9/17/15

Some of you may remember a former segment on the Bulldog Blog, Ben Yaks Back, where a writer would respond to the popular app Yik Yak. Yik Yak is an anonymous feed where people can say whatever they want, which can prompt some inappropriate, weird, and sometimes downright stupid content. Yik Yak also uses location services on your phone, so the Yaks you see are guaranteed to be from people in your area. This is my response.

1. “Trying to lose weight… eat panda and chipotle constantly”


You’re not alone, friend. Addiction to Panda Express has already been well documented on campus by a writer who is as clever as he is pretty (not very). My personal Chipotle cycle tends to go shame, excitement, euphoria, and then a long period of regret. Fellow Zag, I feel for you. Lets start a support group.

2. “At GU, happiness only costs $4. Shoutout to SubConnection.”


No student that has been on campus for more than a week calls it “SubConnection.” It’s SubCo. I don’t care what the sign says; I don’t care what every official documents say. It’s SubCo. This definitely sounds like something a paid actor would say in a commercial when they’re claiming to be a random person off the street. Also, it would be more correct to say that at GU happiness only costs $4 and also the $50,000 per year tuition.

3. “Who wants to write an essay for me? I’ll pay you in Monopoly money.”


My advice: invest! Sure, you’d be cheating and would be risking some serious repercussions if you got caught. Sure, you can’t actually use Monopoly money as legal tender. But can you imagine the look on your friends’ faces the next time you sit down to play Monopoly? Make it rain, my friends. Make it rain.

4. “You know you live in a nice city if 3 lanes of traffic stop just so you can cross.”


I agree with this Yak. I’ve been trying to get grazed by oncoming traffic so I can sue them and get my tuition paid for, but people in this city are too darn nice. What does a guy have to do to get minor injuries to afford college around here?

5. “I’m hating on my empty life….”


For every 100 worthless Yaks and blatantly ripped off jokes there are always a couple Yaks that deserve sincere responses. If your life is feeling empty, Gonzaga is the perfect school to help with that! Join a club. Hell, join 5. Clubs are basically friend groups that you can pick that already have common interests with you. Go say hi to a stranger, pick a class just because it’s interesting, go out for intramurals, sit next to a new group of people at the COG, try spending your time by volunteering. There are a billion and one ways to fill that void in your life, and I can’t think of a better community to support you than Gonzaga.

6. “Hi”


I doubt Shakespeare would still say that brevity is the soul of wit if he had Yik Yak. If you’re so desperate to engage in human interaction, go say hi to an actual person. The worst part about this Yak? It had like eight upvotes. Eight people read this sorry excuse of a Yak, took the time to think about it, and then pressed the up arrow. This is why Yik Yak is the worst. I can’t even begin to think of a more pointless, stupid Yak.

7. “Hair”


Four upvotes. Nope.

*Author’s note: Typos in Yaks are left in so that you understand what we’re dealing with.


Categories: Yak Attack

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