Some of you may remember a former segment on the Bulldog Blog, Ben Yaks Back, where a writer would respond to the popular app Yik Yak. Yik Yak is an anonymous feed where people can say whatever they want, which can prompt some inappropriate, weird, and sometimes downright stupid content. Yik Yak also uses location services on your phone, so the Yaks you see are guaranteed to be from people in your area. This is my response.
1. “I wish I was a puppy”
I do too! You can sleep all day, the entire world is your bathroom, and you get constant attention from girls! Actually, it kind of sounds like what I imagine it would be like to have been Charlie Sheen during that time period where all the annoying kids in high school were obsessed with Charlie Sheen.
2. “Why in the [naughty word] do people wear fake glasses?”
Uh, I don’t know. Have you ever heard of a guy named SUPERMAN? Without his fake glasses, everybody would know he was really Clark Kent and he’d be Superdead. It’s a perfect cover for a superhero, really: make everybody think you’re really a nerd that works in publications. Clark Kent should really consider being a blogger.
3. “Squad Bylaws, Article I: Disrespect squad, you better find ya next squad.”
This Yak was almost certainly posted by that guy whose hat never sits squarely on his head and will wear a tank top until mid-December. I’m not going to lie to you guys; it definitely took me a few reads to figure out what this Yakker was trying to say. Also, I’m like 75% certain that the Squad Bylaws aren’t legally binding documents.
4. “One month and 7 days until my MOTHA f***** BIRTHDAYYYY!”
Happy ridiculously early birthday! If this Yak were a person, it would be a drunk girl who asks every stranger she meets if they think she’s pretty. I understand being excited about your birthday, but it’s more than a month away. Let’s hold off on the obnoxious grammar and the obvious desperation for even the tiniest bit of attention until then, alright?
5. “Remember that we gotta wake Green Day up tomorrow”
Do you get it guys??? Guys??? Because of that one song they did 11 years ago??? Aren’t I clever??? In all seriousness, I counted 8 different versions of this same joke between last night and right now.
6. “When I read the misuse of their and your on this app I wonder how people got into this school…”
Honestly, I do too. I’ve never seen as many of those red squiggly lines that appear under misspelled words in Microsoft Word than when I write these segments. One of my biggest fears is dating somebody who ends up being one of these Yakkers, to be honest.
7. “Pooping is my only happiness”
I hate Yik Yak so freaking much.
*Author’s note: Typos in Yaks are left in so that you understand what we’re dealing with.
Categories: Yak Attack