How Zags Act When The Wi-Fi Is Down

It’s not uncommon for Wi-Fi to be “sketchy,” as the youth say. When you think about how amazing Wi-Fi really is, we almost need a few outages every now and then to keep us humble. We’re able to access near infinite knowledge anywhere on campus by just touching our phones in the right places. If anything, Wi-Fi outages should happen more to remind us of the sorcery that is modern technology.

At least that’s what I thought until the events of this weekend. In an event some are calling WiFiGate (maybe), Gonzaga students saw campus-wide Internet outages for hours at a time on Friday and Sunday. Some students were deep in midterms, which made it difficult to turn in papers or download homework. Many more students couldn’t access Netflix, which caused a near riot (probably). Let’s explore the behavioral patterns of Zags as they struggle without Wi-Fi in an article that screams first world problems.

 1. Procrastination

Wi-Fi:

Liz_Lemon_Do_Dis

You had a whole weekend to write your stupid research essay and you decided to start it at 11:00 PM the night before it’s due. Classic you. You chug some coffee (bad idea, it burned your throat) and get to work. It’ll be a long, depressing night, but you’ll get it done. Let’s figure out who this Nietzsche character was, shall we, Google?

No Wi-Fi:

Weep_And_Die_AKA_Mondays

You had a whole weekend to write your stupid research essay and you decided to start it at 11:00 PM the night before it’s due. Classic you. You chug some- WAIT. WHY IS THIS WEBPAGE NOT LOADING? WHY IS GOOGLE CHROME SHOWING YOU THAT DINOSAUR THING? As you stare in horror at your Word document, blank except for your name, you realize you’ve forgotten everything. Not just about Nietzsche; you’ve forgotten literally everything and you can’t look it up. Oh God, this is it. This is the moment you failed out of Gonzaga. You’ll probably have to go to some second-rate school like St. Mary’s (Zing. They’re our rivals).

2. Dealing With Boredom

  Wi-Fi:

Joey_Pizza_Eating

You get back to your room after a brutal chem test and pass out on your bed. Heavy with the knowledge that you just failed that test and your professor is probably laughing at you right now, you turn to the comfort of friends. Sorry, I meant F.R.I.E.N.D.S. You open Netflix and after an episode (fine, ten episodes) of watching those wacky 90’s antics, you feel better. That Joey fella sure loves food!

No Wi-Fi:

Barney_Stinson_Boredom

Netflix isn’t loading, great. This must be how it felt to live in Soviet-era Russia. You try to read a book, but the only book you brought to school were textbooks and you’d much rather watch Netflix than read about calculating GDP. You text your friends to see if someone wants to do something (anything, really) but they’re all in class still. You realize now how much you really miss that Joey fella and how much he loves his food.

 3. Acquisition Of Knowledge

Wi-Fi:

Tobias_Excuuuuuuuse_Me

You’re walking back to your room from Hemmingson and randomly think of that guy who plays Tobias from Arrested Development. He’s pretty funny. What was his name? You pull out your phone. Oh yeah, David Cross. Cool.

No Wi-Fi:

Tobias_Fire_Sale

You’re walking back to your room from Hemmingson and randomly think of that guy who plays Tobias from Arrested Development. He’s pretty funny. What was his name? Ah nuts, Google’s down! You’re not entirely sure why, but finding this actor’s name means more to you now than anything else ever has in your life. What’s his name? In a fit of rage and depression, you break down in the middle of campus. The others don’t understand. Your life will never be complete until you find out who played Tobias.

4. Stalking

Wi-Fi:

Internet_Stalking

Golly, that girl was pretty cool. Let’s look her up on Facebook. And Instagram. And GU Who’s Who. You’ll know everything there is to know about her in a matter of minutes and you’ll soon get bored and watch some Netflix.

No Wi-Fi:

Let's_Do_This_Creed

Golly, that girl was pretty cool. Facebook isn’t working again, great. Well, you guess you have to do this the old fashioned way. Time to break out the ol’ binoculars!

Four years later you leave the SeaTac Federal Detention Center. Sure, your stint in prison was tough, but at least now you have Wi-Fi! You go back to your room and open Facebook. Huh, it looks like that girl’s engaged now. Good for you, you think to yourself as you open Netflix. Man, that Joey fella sure loves his food!

For more in the Zags Act series, check out:

How Zags Act At The Hemmingson Center VS. At Old Crosby
OR
How Zags Act During Fall Family Weekend VS. Any Other Weekend

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Categories: Campus Life

Tags: , , , , , , ,

1 reply

  1. Wow, another astounding article by Mr. Yee! Start writing your Pulitzer acceptance speech now, Jacob. You’re going places.

    Like

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