Halloween is that magic time of year we glorify monsters, force our kids to beg for candy, and over-sexualize the things we hold most dear from our childhoods (I’m looking at you, girl who dressed up as “Sexy Optimus Prime.” Is nothing sacred?).
Now don’t get me wrong, nobody is a bigger fan of dressing up in sexy costumes than I am, but there’s a reason the holiday only comes once a year: most of the things you do on Halloween would probably get you arrested any other day of the year.
1. Intricate Decorations
There’s nothing cooler than seeing somebody go all out with Halloween decorations, especially when it’s a college student who doesn’t have a ton of money. Halloween is the perfect opportunity to show off your creative side. That being said, if you have prop corpses partially buried in your lawn and fake blood dripping down the side of your walls in March, that’s what some would call “probable cause” and you may get some trick-or-treaters in stunningly realistic police uniforms stopping by.
2. Wearing Masks In Public
Half the fun on Halloween is watching people in costumes do regular people things. Oh hello there, Stormtrooper buying kale and Doritos from Safeway. What’s up, Miley Cyrus from the 2013 VMA’s in line at Panda Express?
On any other day, however, it gets weird. Have you ever seen somebody wearing a mask in public in February and not assumed you were going to die on the spot? The only reasons somebody would wear a mask on a day besides Halloween are if they were about to commit a crime or they were one of those annoying YouTubers doing a prank video. In either case, I definitely don’t want to be a part of it.
3. Dressing Like A Sexy Cat
This should be pretty self-explanatory. If you’re wondering if you should dress like a slutty cat today, just ask yourself whether or not it’s Halloween. Did you answer yes? Then by all means, dress like a sexy cat. Is it literally any other day? Please do not dress like a sexy cat. You’d think I wouldn’t have to say this, but you’d be surprised (I’m looking at you, Dad).
4. Carving Spooky Faces Into Produce
On Halloween, making a Jack-o’-lantern can be a thing of art. Some of the designs you see on the World Wide Web are absolutely stunning and should be in some sort of pumpkin-centered museum.
It’s now July and somebody carved a scary face into an onion, put a flame in it, and left it on your doorstep. How long before you move to a different country?
5. Knocking On Somebody’s Door At Night And Giving Them An Ultimatum
Situation 1: It’s Halloween night and you hear a knock on your door. You open it and standing there is an adorable little kid dressed like a pirate. “Trick or treat?” he yells, grinning.
Situation 2: It’s the night of January 13th and you hear a knock on your door. Outside is a fully-grown man dressed in a pirate costume. “Give me a treat or I’ll give you a trick,” he says.
Which is more acceptable?
6. Eating Pounds Of Candy At A Time Because Your Life Is Falling Apart
You know what, never mind. There’s nothing wrong with doing this.