‘Twas the week before finals, and all through the school,
Not a student was ready and everybody was crying and was
Definitely not having a fantastic time.
That’s right, it’s the time of year that’s so stressful that some bloggers can’t even find a word that rhymes with “school” for a forced holiday poem. Don’t let the stress of finals control your life! Check out my extensively researched tips that will make sure you get that “A” on your exams.
1. Don’t Sleep
Don’t bother listening to the “experts” on this one. The key to acing all of your finals is to sleep as little as possible. Some people will say that you need sleep in order for your body to function properly or cite statistics that show well-rested students do better on tests, but what they’re just trying to confuse you with their fancy numbers. If you don’t sleep, that’s 10 extra hours of study time! Also, sleeping is basically just being dead for short periods of time and last time I checked being dead tends to make you do worse on your tests. Checkmate, nerds.
2. Eat Too Much/Not Enough
For extra fuel during finals, be sure to eat way more than is necessary. Eating healthy won’t get those grades up! Sure, a balanced diet full of fruits and vegetables may have “science” on its side, but do you know how good eating pizza feels?
If you feel bad about eating a lot of food at once, try not eating enough food! Eating will just slow you down. Besides, nutrition is just a fancy word made up by the government to sell vegetables (source: none).
3. Don’t Exercise
The so-called “experts” will tell you that exercising will not only keep you healthy, but it’s also a great way to deal with stress. I disagree. Why listen to hundreds and hundreds of researchers when you can listen to a blogger off the Internet? It’s much better to just sit in one position for the entire day.
4. Don’t Take Breaks
With finals week coming up, you can’t afford breaks. You have to study constantly. If at any point in the day you find yourself without a book in your hand or tears in your eyes, you’re doing something wrong. You may feel that a break will help you focus and will help motivate you again, but that’s just Satan trying to get you a C on your psych final. Don’t give in to the pressure.
The best way to study for an exam is right before you have to take it. Cramming a semester’s worth of material into a matter of hours is the best way to remember it since it’s all fresh in your mind! Besides, if you procrastinate you can’t afford to be distracted. Live life on the edge!
6. Just Don’t Study
Surprisingly, the best way to study for a final is to not study at all. I’ve noticed a bizarre trend among the people that study for exams: all of them end up dying. All of the most brilliant minds that probably studied for exams have either died or will probably die with time. Einstein? Dead. Tesla? Dead. Stephen Hawking? Rumor has it that he’ll probably die eventually. The numbers speak for themselves. Why take the risk? Just take the week off, Zags.
Good luck on your finals.