Yak Attack: 01/21/16

Some of you may remember a former segment on the Bulldog Blog, Ben Yaks Back, where a writer would respond to the popular app Yik Yak. Yik Yak (or Twitter for cowards) is an anonymous feed where people can say whatever they want, which can prompt some inappropriate, weird, and sometimes (mostly) downright stupid content. Yik Yak also uses location services on your phone, so the Yaks you see are guaranteed to be from people in your area. This is my response.

New year, same old Yik Yak. Let’s just get this over with.

1.“I know they’re dumb looking but those hat umbrella things would be so useful right now. I would wear one”

Bill_Murray_Being_Incredibly_Bill_Murrayesque 

I agree. I would also totally wear one. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to walk around in public with a tiny umbrella on your head and not look like a wizard from Harry Potter trying to blend in with the muggles. Actually, I just sold myself on this idea even more. And it’s only $5.48 on Amazon?! Bought. 

2. “When you walk her back to her room and she says “Thanks for being a wonderful friend””

 500_Days_Of_Friendzone

That’s not a complete thought. Is this a complaint? Because if so, realize that you’re complaining about a girl calling you a “wonderful friend.” Do you think that just because you walked a girl to her room she owes you something? Because if every girl had to date every guy who was even kind of polite to them, no girl would ever go out in public. Enough of this “friend zone” malarkey.

3. “You don’t really want to get into a pissing match with this yik yakkity yak yak packin a mac in the back of the spaghetti.

$_$_Bills_Yall 

This is the worst attempt at whatever it is you’re trying to do. I’m not entirely sure what it is this yak is supposed to be, but I hate it. Is this supposed to be a rap? Are you trying to drop bars? Because if so, “packin a mac in the back of the spaghetti” is Iggy Azalea level garbage. If you were a rapper, your name would be Kanye Worst. Or Poop Dogg. Or Kendrick Lame-ar. Or Macklesnore. Or maybe Soulja Boy. I can keep going, but you get the point. Please stop. 

4. “Yik Yak proves how fake we are in real life. Why can’t we be the same people in real life as we are anonymously?”

 Abed_More_Like_ABAD_Decision_Ayeee_LMFAO

I can say without a doubt that this is the worst idea I’ve ever heard, and I’ve listened to more than one speech by Donald Trump (zing). If people acted like they did on Yik Yak in real life, campus would turn into the same kind of lawless apocalyptic wasteland as Mad Max: Fury Road. Everyone would become racist, sexist, xenophobic idiots who wouldn’t be able to control themselves around the opposite sex. Imagine an entire campus of Donald Trumps minus the money, power, and fame (double zing). Please, keep that horrible, disgusting version of you to Yik Yak.

*Author’s note: Typos in Yaks are left in so that you understand what we’re dealing with.

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