Some of you may remember a former segment on the Bulldog Blog, Ben Yaks Back, where a writer would respond to the popular app Yik Yak. Yik Yak (or Twitter for cowards) is an anonymous feed where people can say whatever they want, which can prompt some inappropriate, weird, and sometimes (mostly) downright stupid content. Yik Yak also uses location services on your phone, so the Yaks you see are guaranteed to be from people in your area. This is my response.
1. “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
If this is serious, Yik Yak probably isn’t the best place to be asking for help. If this isn’t serious, then this is a completely pointless and idiotic Yak. For your sake, let’s hope you’ve actually fallen and can’t get up.
2. “My life will be complete when android makes a hot dog emoji.”
I’m not sure why, but this Yak depresses me more than anything else. What sort of sad, meaningless life does one have to lead for an emoji of a hot dog to be the only possible thing that fulfills it? If one day Android decides to make a hot dog emoji, would that mean that there’s no point in you living any longer? If you’re lying on your death bed after you’ve had an amazing life full of adventure, love, and kindness but this hot dog emoji still hasn’t been invented, will you have considered your life worthless?
3. The Saga Of The Train Pt. 1: “Is there a train?”
This is the beginning of a story about a train filled with twists and turns. This first train-related Yak asks a question as old as time itself: is there a train? The author is confused and is seeking clarity. Will they ever find an answer?
4. The Saga Of The Train Pt. 2: “Oh there’s a train here? I wouldn’t have known unless it blew its horn for ALL ETERNITY”
It appears as if the author of this Yak is building off of the previous Yak, but this time challenging the mysterious train to blow its horn for all eternity. This Sisyphean task would be the only way for the author to be certain of the existence of the train: a seemingly impossible task.
5. The Saga Of The Train Pt. 3: “OMG THIS GODDAMN TRAIN”
In this final Yak, the author has acknowledged that, yes, the train exists. And they certainly seem excited about it.
6. “I’m scared of Duke and mono”
You’re probably in the majority. Being a Duke student and this terrible kissing disease actually have a lot in common! For example, nobody wants either of them to happen to a loved one and they also both repel women.
I’m sorry, I’m still depressed from last year’s tournament.
7. “How do I find a date to charity ball?”
Check the calendar! Get it? Because you’re trying to find a date? No? Okay.
*Author’s note: Typos in Yaks are left in so that you understand what we’re dealing with.