It’s almost Halloween, which means that we’re in that special time of the year where every company that doesn’t have a real marketing department will use the word “Spooktacular” to describe a sale that is, arguably, less-than-spooktacular. It’s also only the time of year where I can use the word spooktacular in a blog, so get ready for me to abuse that privilege.
Every Halloween costume can be categorized into a few basic categories, such as “sexy,” “clever,” “relevant,” “unintentionally racist,” and “intentionally racist because I’m not a great person.” Today, we’re going to be looking at scary Halloween costumes, but I’m not talking “Zombie Scary.” No, I’m talking about truly horrifying, pants-peeing things that will be sure to make you absolutely spooktacular at your Halloween party this weekend.
1. Student Debt
Last year for Halloween, you hired a professional makeup artist to make it look like half of your face was falling off and the other half of your face had Steve Buscemi eyes. How can you top that? What could be scarier or more spooktacular than that?
Easy. All you have to do is dress like “student debt” and you’ll make people run from you screaming, although this time on purpose. How does one dress like student debt? Look, I’m just the idea guy, that’s up to you man. Maybe get a nametag and write student debt on it? It’s your call. And speaking of calls…
2. A Phone Call From Mom At 1:00 AM
It’s Friday night. You just got back from the bars and you’re feeling a little tipsy. All of a sudden, you feel a vibration in your pants (it’s your phone ringing, calm down) and you check to see who it is that’s calling you. To your horror, you see it’s your mom! Why would she be calling you at 1:00 in the morning? What could possibly be so important?
Pro Tip: If you really wanted to freak people out, dress up as “3 Missed Calls From Mom At 2:00 AM.” Just the thought sends chills down my spine, and not in the fun spooktacular way.
Let me set a scene for you, if I may. It’s a cold October evening and you find yourself alone, walking back from your friend’s house. It’s night, and it’s almost pitch black out. Suddenly, you see a spooktacular shadow! What’s the last thing you’d want to be confronted by?
If you’re like me, it’s intimacy. I guess we really didn’t have to set the scene like we did, since that doesn’t really make sense in this context. In any case, there are few things more terrifying in this world than the lethal combination of intimacy and long-term commitment. Don’t look back, just run! Run for God’s sake, run!
4. President [Other Candidate]
For this costume, you’re going to have to dress up as everyone’s worst nightmare: President [Other Candidate]! With all of the things that have come out about [Other Candidate], you’d think that there would be no way in hell that [he/she] would ever become president. After all, [Other Candidate] is legitimately the most terrifying candidate in recent political history! Not only are [his/her] political views despicable, but can you imagine somebody with their personality running this country?
Dressing up as President [Other Candidate] is spooktacularly terrifying, topical, and completely not a move that will isolate you from everybody else at the party.
5. Your MySpace Page From 2007
There are some phrases that will be said to you throughout your life that will make your heart stop for a second and fill you with not just fear, but dread. For example, “We have to talk” or “See me in my office after class.”
For the everyday millennial, the words “I found your MySpace page from 2007” may be the scariest (and most spooktacular) combination of words you’ll ever hear. What did they find? Those pictures of you flipping off the camera in your teenage angst? That post that began with Fall Out Boy lyrics and ended with “RAWR XD”?
Haunting. Simply haunting.
6. A Clown
Nope. Nuh uh. Not today. No sir. I’m out.
Have a spooktacular Halloween, everyone.