The 7 People You’ll Meet When Gonzaga Is Ranked #1 In The Nation

Love it or hate it, Gonzaga’s Men’s Basketball is number one in the nation. When you’re number one in anything, you’re going to attract attention. Just ask the Patriots (number one in football), the Cubs (number one in baseball), or Mr. Clean (number one in horrifying Super Bowl commercials).

In any case, the Zags are on top and it doesn’t look like they’re going down any time soon. Here are some of the characters you’ll encounter as long as we hold that coveted number one spot.


1. The Overly-Enthusiastic Zag

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He’s changed his profile picture to a crudely photoshopped image of Michael Jordon carrying Przemek Karnowski on his shoulders while passing a torch to Nigel Williams-Goss. He hasn’t taken off his Kennel Club shirt in a week. You’re afraid that if we make it to the Final Four he’ll start a riot, but you’re even more afraid of the riot he’ll start if we don’t make it to the Final Four.

On his deathbed, he will describe the time that the Zags were announced as number one in the nation as the happiest moment of his life, followed by his wedding day, the birth of his first kid, and the time that America absorbed Canada and Mexico to become Super America (I have my predictions about the future).

2. The Zag Who Couldn’t Care Less

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Even if Gonzaga won the whole tournament, don’t expect more than a “Huh. Cool.” out of this kid. 

School spirit is great, really. It’s not that he doesn’t want the Zags to do well, it’s just that Organic Chemistry is taking up most of his weekends and he can’t really afford to be distracted right now, you know?

3. The Twitter User Who Is Really, Really Mad For Some Reason

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I have no idea what Gonzaga did to hurt this man. Maybe he didn’t get in as a senior in high school and has always resented the school for that. Maybe he bet a lot of money on a team that Gonzaga beat in the NCAA tournament. Maybe the school collectively slept with his wife.

Whatever the reason, this guy is irrationally angry at Gonzaga. If Gonzaga is even mentioned in a tweet, he’ll respond with an anger normally reserved for comic sans or your neighbor who insists that it isn’t his dog that’s been pooping on your lawn, even though you’ve seen him do it and you don’t even know why they would lie about that, Keith.

Here’s an example of an interaction:

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4. The Twitter User Who Would Die To Protect Gonzaga’s Honor

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If the Twitter user Who Is Really, Really Mad For Some Reason is on one end of the Zag-hate spectrum, this guy is on the other. If something even kind of negative is said about GU, you can bet your bottom dollar that this guy will swoop in to defend the Zags.

Example:

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5. The Amateur Bracketologist

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Despite being a sophomore in high school and a diehard fan of The Cavs The Warriors The Cavs The Warriors, this kid is somehow an expert on prediction forecasting and statistical analysis. He surely must be blessed by the Gods with the ability to see beyond this earthly realm and into dimensions we can’t even fathom, as he can say with absolute certainty when Gonzaga will lose in the NCAA tournament.

Despite learning everything he knows about basketball from NBA 2K13, he is confident enough to tell sports writers on Twitter to “STFU” because “the Zags r overrated trash that will be out in the secnd [sic] round lol” of the NCAA tournament. Heed his warnings, mortals.

6. The Guy Who Has Exactly Three Arguments About Why Gonzaga Is Bad

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This guy is so incredibly smart and original. If you even try to make the claim that Gonzaga is better than mediocre, this Master Debater will shut you down with three infallible arguments:

1. Gonzaga only wins because they’re in the WCC, which is a dumb conference.

2. Gonzaga won’t make it to the Final Four (see “The Amateur Bracketologist).

3. Gonzaga is overrated because they are overrated.  

All three of these arguments are completely creative and original, and can’t be disproved easily. He obviously spent hours researching statistics and has watched every Gonzaga game, otherwise his arguments would appear lazy and uninformed. So take that, Gonzaga.

7. The Millions Of People Who Will Continue To Mispronounce “Gonzaga” Now That We’re Back In The National Conversation

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For the last time. It’s Gon-ZAG-uh, not Gon-ZAWG-uh. We are the Zags. We’re not the Zawgs. I don’t care what your uncle from Newark insists upon.

In any case, #GoZags (or #GoZawgs).

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