Satire from the Bulldog Blog
Whether you’re trying to adapt to a brand new lifestyle in a completely different state or you’re fighting to oppose Andrew Johnson’s Reconstruction measures, sometimes it feels like nobody truly understands you.
It’s like the saying goes, “Freshmen are easy targets, and even if you are confirmed by the Senate to succeed John Lothrop Motely as US ambassador to the United Kingdom, sometimes you don’t want the position.”
With that old adage in mind, let’s take a look at some of the struggles that you won’t understand unless you’re a Freshman or former US Secretary of State Frederick Theodore Frelinghuysen.
1. Trying To Make Friends Is A Hassle.
In high school, you had a solid group of friends that you could always depend on. Even if you didn’t have a huge group of friends, you knew almost everyone at your high school.
In college, you’re thrown into a brand new environment, sometimes in a completely different state than all of your other friends. Almost everyone’s a stranger, and it can be pretty overwhelming sometimes.
Sure, you miss your parents. Yeah, you miss your high school friends. But what you really miss? Your bed.
Dorms are terrible. The walls are thin, the halls smell like Franzia and vomit, and you haven’t slept well in what feels like millennia. You can’t tell if the people in the room next to you are murdering each other or hooking up, but at this point you’ve given up on caring.
3. Getting Elected To Fill A Vacant Seat In The New Jersey Senate in 1867, But Losing It Again By 1869.
We’ve all been there. You finally get elected to the New Jersey state senate in 1867, ready to bring some good old-fashioned Republican values to the state and make a name for yourself.
Fast forward to 1869, and you find yourself out of a job and watching John P. Stockton (uh, can you say GROSS?) take over your seat. It’s hard being you sometimes.
4. The Food Struggle.
Back home, you would have delicious, healthy home-cooked meals every day. You never had to spend a dime, and you’d eat with your loving family.
Now, you’ve reached a point where you call “Top Ramen but with crushed up Doritos” your fancy meal. Your breakfast was a Busch Light and gum. Things have certainly changed.
5. Finally Becoming Secretary Of State, Only To Find Out You Have To Follow James G. Blaine.
You’ve worked your butt off, you’ve said all the right things, and you’ve finally been appointed as Secretary of State under Chester A. Arthur, renowned Republican bad boy! This is the dream, right?
WRONG. Guess whose shoes you have to fill? That’s right, it’s none other than one of the most influential Republicans of the late-19th century, James G. Blaine.
Yep. James “The Magnetic Man” Blaine. The same guy that had served under three separate presidents. Talk about stress!
6. Two Words: Communal Bathrooms.
Remember when you had your own bathroom where you could shower in peace and not have to worry about how gross everyone else is? Yeah, me too. Communal bathrooms are the WORST.
7. Having Less Than 3 Months To Enjoy Retirement Before You Die At 67.
Isn’t this always the case? You finally retire, looking forward to spending some quality time with your wife, Matilda Elizabeth Griswold. But after only 2 months, guess who decides to die and be buried at Mt. Pleasant Cemetery in Newark? Classic you!
Don’t even try to relate us unless you’ve experienced this, Mom and Dad.