Satire from the Bulldog Blog
Tenting for big basketball games is one of Gonzaga’s most beloved traditions. Every year, hundreds of students brave the cold and cram into a tent with five of their Zaggiest friends in order to prove their unwavering support of the Zags and to get the best seats in The Kennel.
When done right, tenting can foster friendships, create priceless memories, and get students in the mindset that makes The Kennel one of the best environments in college basketball. Here are some tips to make sure you tent the right way.
1. Relive The Thrill Of Ticket Distribution By Running Non-Stop Until The Game
For many Zags, one of the most exciting parts of tenting actually happens before Tent City: ticket distribution. At a predetermined time, hundreds of Zags will sprint to a location tweeted out by the Kennel Board in order to see what number tent they will receive.
Relive these exciting times by sprinting everywhere you go for the entirety of the night/morning! If you’re really into it, have a friend just tweet places on campus for you to run to.
2. Shotgun A Red Bull Once An Hour, On The Hour
It’s easy to get tired when you’re spending all night in a tent. In order to avoid those 11 PM crashes, try shotgunning a Red Bull every hour at the moment that the clock strikes a new hour!
Goodbye exhaustion, hello dedicated Zag fan!
3. Slap Any Student Who Has The Audacity To Play Music That Isn’t “Zombie Nation”
You’ve been listening to “Zombie Nation” by Kernkraft 400 on repeat for a week straight, as it states explicitly in the Gonzaga bylaws. You can sing along perfectly at this point and you’ve finally memorized all the lyrics.
Enter some bozo playing some Desiigner from his Bluetooth speakers. You can expect this nerd to attract a crowd of angry Zags, furious at the kid for breaking a Gonzaga policy that has been around since 1892.
4. Print Out A Picture Of The Opposing Team And Yell “You Are All Buffoons” At It
One way to make sure that you’re properly riled up for the big game is to print out a picture of the opposing team and yell popular phrases at it, such as “You are all buffoons! All of you!” or “I hope that your performance does not meet your expectations!”
Not only does it get you ready to cheer, but the opposing team will occasionally walk by and feel insulted at your harsh yelling.
5. Call The Parents Of Przemek Karnowski To Congratulate Them On Creating Such A Good Man
Motivate the Gonzaga star and the rest of tent city by calling the parents of the GU big man in Poland and congratulate them on raising such a respectful and talented son.
6. Inform A Trusted Friend Or Family Member Exactly Where You Are Going To Be Camping And How Long You Expect To Be There
Remember: safety always comes first. Many campers have been injured (or worse) because they neglect to tell someone where they’re going to be camping ahead of time.
Coordinate with trusted friends to make sure that they know not only exactly where you are going to be, but also how long you’re going to be there and to call the local forest rangers if you are not back by your agreed upon time. Remember: there’s no such thing as too much preparation.
7. Leave A Ritual Sacrifice At The Entrance Of Tent Number 1
Whether it’s a fan favorite like the slaughtering of a virgin bull on an alter of gold and sapphire or something as simple as the burning of a lamb that was conceived in the shadow of an eclipse, experienced Zag fans know the importance of leaving sacrifices at the entrance of the coveted Tent #1.
P.S.: Want to know a good way to spot a Freshman? Find the idiot who thinks that washing the feet of the tenters in #1 with myrrh and a cloth made from Persian silk blessed by The Shaman Of The Mount actually works! Can you say, “embarrassing?”
Have fun, tenters! I’ll see you at the big game, and as always: #GoZags!