The Sixteen Acceptable Reasons For Rooting Against The Zags In The Sweet Sixteen

 

 

For the third year in a row, Gonzaga has made it to the Round of 16 in the NCAA tournament, and things aren’t looking terrible. On Thursday, the Zags will be taking on West Virginia University in San Jose in a battle for a spot in the Elite Eight.

There are many people who will root for Gonzaga in the Sweet Sixteen. It feels like everyone has Gonzaga beating WVU, and quite honestly you’re sick of it. Every time you say something bad about the Zags, it feels like you get attacked. Actually, there are many reasons why you should be rooting against Gonzaga. Sixteen reasons, in fact. Find the one that describes your situation, since it will definitely be listed (otherwise it’s not a valid reason to not love the Zags).


1. You Or A Loved One Attended WVU

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This one makes sense. Growing up, you loved the song “Take Me Home, Country Roads” and figured WVU was the college that would be most likely to accept you screaming that part about West Virginia whenever you drink.

School pride is cool pride. You should root for your team, so roll Mountaineers.  

2. You Hated Kevin Bacon In Footloose And The Fact That Mark Few Kind Of Looks Like Him Upsets You


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You’ve watched Footloose three times in your life. For some reason, every time you get to that scene where Kevin Bacon is angrily dancing in a warehouse, you’ve been dumped via text message. You don’t know how or why this keeps happening, but you do know that you blame Kevin Bacon and anyone who even remotely resembles him.

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Sorry, Mark Few.

3. You Made Fun Of One Of Gonzaga’s Players As A Kid And Seeing Them Play Every Week Is Making You Feel Guilty

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You went to middle school with Zach Collins and once called him a “poop eater who will never be good at anything, especially playing basketball for Gonzaga University in 2017” (middle schoolers can be both cruel and weirdly clairvoyant).

Flash forward to today, where Collins is a name that comes up every time the Zags play. You already feel so guilty about your life as a bully, and with every blocked shot or dunk, you can’t help but feel that he’s coming for you.

4. You Read That Anti-Spokane Article In The Guardian And You’re Kind Of Curious To See What Happens If Spokane Didn’t Have Basketball

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Lately, there has been an article circulating the Internet that is essentially making the claim that Spokane is a terrifying place where dreams go to die and every day is a constant struggle with severe depression (AKA high school). The only thing keeping the city from spiraling into despair and depression, the article says, is Gonzaga basketball.

Even though The Guardian issued an apology to the city after backlash, you’re still kind of morbidly curious to see what Spokane would be like without a successful Gonzaga basketball team. Losing on Thursday would be the first step, so I guess go Mountaineers?

5. Your Workplace Bracket Has The Zags Losing In The Sweet Sixteen, And You Can’t Lose To Nathan In Accounts Payable Again

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Every year, you carefully research NCAA statistics, analyze trends, and compile a binder of research that will guarantee with a 97.2% chance of success that your bracket will win your office’s bracket pool and you’ll go home with that $50 gift card to Dominos. And every year, you get second place to Nathan from Accounts Payable.

This can’t happen again. The Zags have to lose in the Sweet Sixteen otherwise your bracket is busted. This’ll be the year that you wipe that smug grin off Nathan’s face and you can bathe in your spoils (like 3 pizzas).

6. You’re A Diehard UW Fan And Seeing Nigel Williams-Goss Thriving At Gonzaga Hurts Your Heart
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You’ve been a fan of the Huskies since you were a kid, and you’ve grown up to become a diehard fan. When Nigel transferred to Gonzaga, it broke your heart. When he started to dominate with the Zags and become one of the team’s star players, you were devastated. Every time you see him on TV, it’s like stalking your ex’s Instagram. You can’t stand it anymore.

7. Your Only Real Argument About Why You Hate Gonzaga Is That They’ve Never Made It To The Final Four

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You spend hours every day searching Twitter for mentions of Gonzaga basketball and replying “Zags r overrated trash, hmu when u make the final 4 lol.” What would become of your favorite pastime if the Zags actually do well? Would you have to come up with actual arguments to support your irrational hatred? Oh God, please don’t let something that terrible happen.

8. You’re Not Entirely Sure How To Pronounce “Gonzaga” Or Where Exactly Spokane Is, And You’re Afraid Someone Will Call You Out On It Soon
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You live on the East Coast, so you wouldn’t know Gonzaga existed if it wasn’t for March Madness. You realized halfway through a conversation with a friend that you’re not even sure if it’s “Gon-ZAG-ah” or “Gon-ZAWG-ah.” And where is Spokane again? Near Cleveland?

So far, you’ve gotten away with just calling them “The Zags,” but you don’t know how much longer you can get away with it. A Zags loss will make your life so much easier.

9. You Love The Zags So Much That You Hate How Far Away They Are From Campus

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You love the Zags. Maybe a little too much. Every time they play an away game, they have to travel away from you. You miss their presence on campus, and you can’t be away from them much longer. Although winning would obviously be ideal, what you really want is for them to be close to you again. Some people think you’re creepy, but they just don’t understand LOVE.

10. That One Kid From Your High School Has Them Winning His Bracket And Won’t Shut Up About It On Twitter

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Sure, you didn’t like him in high school, but now that you’ve spent some time away from one another… You definitely hate him even more. When he’s not self-promoting his mixtape or sharing politically-charged posts on Facebook, he’s rooting for the Zags because he had them win as a bet.

He has to lose. Sorry, Zags.

11. You’re Afraid That The Zags Are Spending Too Much Time On The Court And Not Enough Time With Their Families
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You’re happy that the players are happy and doing well, but family time is important too. They need to learn to balance playing the game they love and achieving tremendous amounts of success in it with calling their mom every now and then, you know?

12. You’re Rooting For Arizona/Xavier And You Think You’ll Have A Better Shot Against WVU

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You’re confident that your team could beat anyone in the tourney, they’re that good. Whether they’re posed to defy all expectations and be the underdog that America loves and is rooting for or they’re Arizona, you could take on anyone.

However, the Zags are looking pretty good… Maybe WVU would be the better choice. I mean, we could beat the Zags, obviously! But at the same time, maybe lets hope for WVU.

13. A Loved One’s Last Words Were “Root Against Gonzaga In The Sweet Sixteen” 

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Your dear, sweet grandpapa, having lived a long life, beckoned you over to his hospital bed. His last words were “Please root against for Gonzaga in the Sweet Sixteen” before departing this world.

This confuses you, as you’re pretty sure he never watched basketball before. That being said, a final wish is a final wish, you guess.

14. You Want The Zags To Lose This Game In Overtime So They’ll Be Back For A Vengeance Next Year 

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You love the Zags, and this year has been almost perfect. Almost perfect. You, being the lover of drama you are, need more excitement. If this was a movie, it would need the protagonists to fail so that they come back the next year and win it all.

15. You Have To Spend All Day Thursday At Your Stupid Cousin’s Stupid Wedding And The Only Reason They’ve Won All Their Other Games Is Because Of You So They Can’t Win Now
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You pride yourself on the fact that every game you’ve watched this season, the Zags have won (you fell asleep while they were playing BYU that one time, so it still counts). You won’t be able to watch the game on Thursday because your stupid cousin Keith had to get married to Alyssa on a frickin’ Thursday and you have to go.

You won’t be able to watch the game, so if the Zags win anyway you’ll be forced to face the fact that you may not have helped them win all those other games, and you’re not really that special, and you’ll never find love and will die alone. So they better lose.

16. You’re Tired Of All The Pro-Gonzaga Articles Circulating The Internet
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Every idiot blogger has to post boring columns about why the Zags are underrated or why they’re going to win the tournament or what your astrological sign says about how Przemek’s beard thinks of you, and you’re sick of it. There are things happening besides Gonzaga basketball, sheeple.

In fact, you only read this article because you thought that, finally, someone would be anti-Zags, only to realize halfway through that the author is actually pro-Gonzaga and that you’ve been duped again. Sorry, Internet guy. Go Zags.

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