The 10 Most Common New Year’s Resolutions, Ranked By How Unlikely It Is That I Actually Do Them

New year, new me! Right? That’s what all those basic kids in your core classes say, so I figured I’d try to relate. In reality, it’s a new year but exactly the same me. Every year we try to convince ourselves that we’ll change for a better, often by making New Year’s resolutions that we never keep.

I’ve never really been a resolution type of guy, so I figured I’d do some research this year to see what people typically resolve to do and see if any of them worked for me. I found the top ten most common resolutions, according to Nielsen and sorted them by how unlikely I was to ever actually do them. Did I actually find one that appealed to me, one that I think I could use to better myself and make 2018 the best year ever? Read to find out! (Hint: No).


10. “Will Not Make Any Resolutions”

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This is the easiest resolution to keep because it involves literally zero work. I would dare to bet that for the majority of the time that you’re alive you’re not making resolutions, so all you really have to do is continue not making resolutions.

 9. “Learn Something New/Hobby”

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I just Googled “interesting facts” and found out that the first female millionaire in the US was Sarah Breedlove, also known as Madam C.J. Walker.

Boom. Something new: learned. Now I can get back to not worrying about self-improvement for a year.

 8. “Spend Less, Save More”

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The “spend less” part of the resolution is fairly easy. Not because I’m thrifty, but because I have no money to spend. If I even tried to break my resolution, the cashier will just decline my card and I’m back on track.

The “save more” part will be fairly harder to keep. In order to compensate, I’ll choose to interpret it as saving Word documents more frequently to avoid losing my work if my computer shuts down on me. Easy.

7. “Read More”

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This is number 7on my list because I count scrolling through Twitter as reading. If you have a problem with this distinction, make your own list.

6. “Get Organized”

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While I used to be fairly unorganized, I’ve gotten much better recently. This is most likely because I think exclusively in lists as a result of this job, so everything has become more orderly. There’s still room for improvement, but this resolution is vague enough that I feel it can be done easily.

5. “Spend More Time With Friends/Family”

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This is difficult because my family lives relatively far from Gonzaga and my friends exist more in my mind than real life. I’ll overcome this obstacle by considering the staff at McDonald’s to be my friends, making it easy for me to spend loads of time with my friends.

4. “Travel More”

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I wish I could travel more, I really do. I see the Instagram pages of friends who somehow have the budget and time to wander through Europe and Asia, having the time of their life and creating unforgettable, transformational experiences.

Then I remember I have $4 in my checking account. The farthest I could travel from Gonzaga on that budget would be to Jack and Dan’s, so I guess that’s what I’ll have to do.

3. “Lose Weight”

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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

2. “Stay Fit and Healthy”

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

1. “Enjoy Life To The Fullest”

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This is such a vague resolution. I have so many questions. How do you define “enjoying life to the fullest?” Would sleeping/studying/going to class automatically disqualify me from enjoying life to the fullest? Can you maximize your pleasure in life if you just spent your last $4 at Jack and Dan’s?

This seems impossible. I will moderately enjoy life to its middlest. Happy New Year.

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Categories: Holidays, Uncategorized

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